Am I "bat shit crazy"? I feel as if my mind is trying to play tricks on me lately.
I mean - I have progressed quite a ways over the past 4 months - but it still seems as if I lose that footing every now and again.
And I don't like how it makes me feel.
The swelling of my heart - the increasing beat, the shaking and the nausea. My anxiety is the worst thing to have to deal with aside from what my brain decides to make up, that actually gets me into those thoughts.
I wish I could be as simple as other people. But I'm only human. I am not perfect. Sometimes I can't help the way I think and as much as it probably hurts others to hear me say how they make me feel (which usually isn't what they meant to do at all, I just took it the complete opposite way..)
But I suppose that if they can't see past my imperfections and just accept it for what it is - they aren't really worth my time, right?
I can only hope that one day nothing will bother me. That I won't feel as if my world's been crushed by such a simple action (even though it really hasn't) and I wouldn't have to feel this emotion take control of me. Panic - upset. It's as if everything is colliding together and I can't gain control.
I haven't been feeling the greatest about myself or my appearance lately. Usually I have been okay with accepting that I am who I am.. but I can't shake the feeling that this just isn't enough. My acne is exploding on my face and neck. I don't feel like I'm progressing fast enough when it comes to getting into shape. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what I am right now.
At least I get a haircut on Saturday - so maybe that will help clean me up a little and give me a bit of a confidence boost. It seems I've been lacking in some of that lately.
It's hard to feel 100% about yourself all the time but I'm lucky to even hit 70 or 80% lately.
I see photos of who I was and what I looked like before and only wish I could go back to that. And I'm trying, I really am. It was easier before when I was ingesting bad things and starving myself. I only want to do it right this time - because I'm not that person anymore. The results definitely are not the same and that always gets under my skin. I know what potential I have and what I can look like but I'm far from it right now.
Self esteem has been the biggest struggle of my life thus far. And I have been through a lot. I love the person I am inside - but the outside isn't the same.
One step at a time.. one step..
Also, second day and second post in a row that I have been flagged & removed from CL for my roommate posting.
It is clear to me that I either don't want this bad enough to manifest it or I just wasn't meant to find a roommate "out there". It's got to be internally. OR I am supposed to just find a cheaper apartment for myself and fuck everyone else. Even though my own apartment would still be more expensive than I could be paying - but that's not the point.
Well, that seems to be all I have on my mind right now. Until next time.