Oldy.

I needed some place to store this poem as I found it on an old blog of mine that I deleted.

Streetlights, flicker within my eyes.

Fog, roll across the depths of the sky.

Raindrops, splash upon the simplicity of life.

Voices, chatter so aimlessly within my mind.

Of the living & of the dead.

4. Months

I know in numbers it doesn't seem like we've been together for a long time but with how we've progressed with each other, it seems like a life time ago that we first met and fell in love.

You are one of the most inspiring people in my life. Certainly the most supportive and I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

I am so excited for our plans in the upcoming months as it means we have a chance to progress and grow together much more.

I love you so much Steve.

My Turkey Sammich.

♥

My.Promise.Is - I.Will.Hurt.You

After having a very short conversation with a friend about someone I know, I have realized how blind I have become certain people in my life. How much I have become a masochist towards their unrelenting, bad behavior.

I hold onto those friendships, despite knowing that it's only one way, in hopes that they'll change or something will change. Or even I just pretend like it doesn't matter (what they are doing) and I don't speak up so they won't walk away.

Someone once told me that if you were afraid of something happening - then you needed that to happen in order to live through it and learn from it. Though to be careful not to abuse the power and believe that it's your duty to do that to someone who has never done bad by you or deserved it from you.

So as much as I wish I could say that I hoped they would be the ones to walk away over this past little while - I have grown up and had my eyes opened.

I've taken steps back to ensure that my friendships don't become too overbearing and I live a life of solitude for it sometimes.

But I suppose it's better to distance yourself from poisonous people and situations before allowing them to infect you even more than they already have.

Right?

As easy as it would be for most to just sever the tie that is before you, it's not so easy for me. As I remember more about the good than of the bad - more about who they are deep down vs. who they have turned into. And it's true - I do have a blind spot for certain people and I wish it wasn't so.

My blind spot does not mean that I don't see what they are doing - but rather I pretend that I haven't. Which is just as unhealthy for me as it is for them.

After clearly stepping away from my old life and regrouping my feelings and thoughts - I have come to realize that I was just used up, spit out and trampled over by all the people who dared to sully the name of "Friendship" with me.

I had always hoped that someone would realize how hard I've worked for this and how much I needed the support of my friends while I was doing this - but no one was there for me.

I've realized that all "friendships" I thought I held at one point became obsolete because I was no longer partying.

And as of now - that works for me.

I am content on fighting for what I hope to have in life and accomplish things that will make ME feel good about me again.

And if they are not on board, it's clear that they are not worthy of my time and that a parting of ways is definitely necessary.

Cut.Throat.

I've always been a firm believer that the world is how it's supposed to be. When it comes to nature and the trees that surround us - the bushes, plants, flowers.. etc, that you should LEAVE them where they are.

I understand that it's not always best to keep something in it's place - due to the ever changing life of those who decide to build and destroy things.

BUT!

When it comes down to a magnificent, beautiful, old, BIG tree - there is absolutely NO reason to remove it from it's spot. Specially when it's older than you. Been in that place since before you were born.

It was here before you and should have outlived you.

And then you went and destroyed that beautiful, gracious big tree that resided across the street from my mother's apartment building.

I discovered upon the arrival to the house that you had done such a thing.

It makes me so sad to see such a kindred spirit be killed by someone/something so evil.

So I will keep you in my thoughts, Mr. Tree. And will miss your shade in the summer and the view of you. You were wise beyond years and had so much spirit left within you..
If only those bad men could have seen that about you or if someone had stopped them.

R.I.P

♥

Twitch.Twitch.

Have you ever noticed how certain people have habits? Things that they do while they are busying themselves with everyday life?

I spend a fair time on transit and I've come to notice the small "twitches" that people have.

For instance, take today. There was an older lady, let's say about 40ish, riding the Subway while writing some sort of documentation on her mini mac book. As she was typing, she would stop every now and again to insert a character. (I assume that she was writing in another language - as the characters she was adding had accents) Everytime she would stop typing to add a character, she would run her left fingers through her hair. In a motion of trying to "untangle" the ends. Even if adding a character was only seconds apart from just adding one.

As I noticed this behavior, I started to look around me.

One man would rub his eyebrow shortly after turning the page in his book. Another lady would scratch her wrist as she checked her watch.

It's interesting seeing the habits of the people around you. It always makes me wonder about who actually notices these things about everyone else and what exactly causes these "twitches".

I know exactly the reason why I do things - like biting my lip when I'm in thought or cracking my knuckles when I feel like my hands aren't doing anything.

I will continue to stare around the transit and the world and watch for these things. It's interesting to say the least.

Nightmare.In.The.Cellar.

Your breath falls onto the back of my neck.
Causing the hair to stand up as I shiver.
Your rank smell would cause me to vomit if I wasn't gagged by this old rag.
You whisper what you believe to be "sweet nothings" in my ear and yet.. those words cause such repulsion to wash over me.
I squeeze my eyes shut and let the tears splash down over the dirt streaked face of mine.
I whimper only slightly and you take it the wrong way.
I feel the cold, rough skin of the back of your hand colliding with my face.
You yell obscenities at me - telling me that I am more than no good. That I'm "just like her" and you force me from the chair in which you had bound me.
I use that as my opportunity to kick you hard as I can. You're dumbfounded by the idea that I would even fight back.
2 seconds too long. You had paused and I used the opportunity to escape.
My bare feet smacked against the pavement. The rocky ground to freedom makes it that much harder for me to keep my balance.
I want this so bad - need it so bad. Just to be away from you.
I've been here how long? I don't remember.
I hear you calling out behind me - to come back to you & you promise you won't hurt me..
I try to find my way out yet it feels like I'm running in circles. My hands splay over the concrete walls in hopes to catch me as I lose balance.
I find a sliver of light and hope within hope that that is the way to break out.
I rush towards it - holding nothing back as I fling myself through the door.
Daylight rushes in around my eyes and I'm blinded. That cellar was so dark - I wasn't expecting it to be so bright out here.
I run and run some more. The ground is uneven and it's hard to stay upright. Grass whipping my legs - roots promising to trip me with their sturdy place in the ground.
And now I hear nothing around me. I turn back - and I can't see you.
I feel the relief rush over me. I have finally gotten away.
I slow down and hope that my heart will beat normally once again. I take the opportunity to look around me to only see the beauty of the forest I have found myself in.
At this point I had come to a complete stop.
And that is when I felt your hand over my mouth and your other arm around me.
In which you whispered "I knew you wouldn't leave me". I feel the terror rise over me as the bile threatens to expel itself from my stomach..

And then I awaken in my makeshift work bed..
Realizing that it was all just in my head..

Say.what?

So it seems that I may just very well be a masochist. Or just plain stupid when it comes to some people. It is one of those continuous things that I allow to happen and don't do anything about.

For some reason I had it in my head that people would or could change - I have since realized that people never change unless they, themselves want to.

(And to all those people out there that believe that they can change someone close to them - you're in the left field and the ball is in the right.. if you know what I'm saying..)

I give so many more chances than I should because I am always under the impression that I'm in your life for a reason and that reason usually generally will reveal itself over time.

Lately the reason is apparently to teach you a lesson that you can't walk all over people or use them as your emotional punching bag.

I'm kind of sick of the people who claim friendship with me. Turning your back on someone in a time of need is not friendship. Lying to them is not friendship. Hurting them is not friendship. Using them is not friendship.

This list could seriously go on and on and on but I'd rather not waste my time or yours, my dear readers.

If you're reading this and you know me - I want you to take a good look at our "friendship" and try and figure out whether or not it's been one sided or two.

If it's been one sided - it can go one of two ways.

Either I've been a shitty friend to you or you've clearly been a shitty one to me.

Now I may be delusional in some cases (but in others I'm pretty spot on) and it's clear to me that most of my friendships are one sided.

I can offer your my shoulder to cry on, the clothes off my back and a piece of my heart - and all you can do in return is spit in my face, rip my clothes and stomp the fuck out of my life line..

I don't care if what I say hurts you sometimes because I know it needs to be said. You're simply too blinded to realize that I've only ever wanted the best for you.

Instead you've treated me like a simple game and when you stop getting what you want from me - you're the one to throw the tantrum.

The funniest part of it all is that I was paying respect to you as a person. Telling you that you deserve better or are such a better person than all that.. and yet that allowed you to feel justified in walking away?

I am sad in a sense to see you go - but I'm pretty sure it's for the best. You took everything I said with a grain of salt and never once appreciated me for everything you put me through and everything I was willing to put up with... for the sake of what I thought was an important friendship within my life.

I hope you sort your shit out.

And to the rest of you - if you find that our relationship is one sided.. get the fuck out of my life. Either I have failed you as a friend or you have mistaken everything I have done and lack any appreciation for me... and that is something I want out of my life.

So adios.

Maybe I will see you again and maybe I won't.

But I can almost say good riddance at this point.

xo

Anger.

Here is another installment of the "Amber Advice" theory that will now be quite frequent in this blog.

One thing that has come to fruition today that really got under my skin was when someone I consider a friend can't even come to me - as a person and tell me something that I did was out of line..

Or even just to remind me of something I forgot.

But that's not the worst part of it! It's based on something that I was told not to worry about.

So here we have a situation where they are bringing me into a conversation that doesn't even have ANYTHING to do with me - and yet I'm getting shit on for something.

Then I have to find out through someone else?

What a fucking coward.

My advice? Grow the fuck up. Next time message me if you have such a huge issue.

But no, instead - you got a nasty email that includes me not wanting to see your face anymore.

Hope that makes you happier than this situation made me.

Fuck you.

Man. Up

I'm not sure I really care about whether this specific entry pisses any particular person off or not..

There are a few things that I need to say in regards to the things I see every day of my life.

I understand that within any "relationship", there are complications and unanswered/unresolved issues. (relationship is in quotations because I mean ANY relationship; friends, family, lovers or even people you know/see on a daily basis that you don't like.) What I don't get is the fact that people are too cowardly to say what is on their mind. If something is pissing you off - be straightforward about it.

Don't take the opportunity to do petty acts of revenge or plot behind their back as a means to rid them of your life.

How low do you really have to be to do that?

I understand more than most people what it's like to fear saying things that you know are going to make your situation harder with them. Whether it be rejection, an argument or just plain hurting a person you once cared for (or still do) but that doesn't give you any right to make them into your emotional puppet.

I agree that at certain points that people are impossible to deal with. Just basing this off things I have seen & situations I have been a part of in the past. When you start finding these little things that annoy you so much in the beginning - yet choose not to say anything about it; you end up with this ridiculous situation where it has built up and boiled inside yourself. So what are you left with? You're left with a hundred unresolved issues that now allow for every "small thing" to annoy you that much more. Then you begin to resent the person.

But really, if you reach deep down inside that small brain of yours - you'll realize something. Do you know what that is?

YOU never gave them the time of day to try and change the things that pissed you off.

YOU created a hole where this person could easily have stayed in your life.

YOU destroyed what could have possibly been a very good relationship.

And do YOU know why?

All because you let things stew and stew and go unresolved - and now you've come to resent the person, resent the relationship and are still too damn cowardly to say anything.

So here you have yourself a tricky little situation, don't you? You're in a consistent circle of where you're stuck in their presence while they continue to do the same things that annoy you so much and you still can't say anything.

It's hell by definition and you're just stuck.

So you know what I suggest? And this is what I will now refer to as some "Amber Advice" - I would stop your god damn whining. Man the fuck up. Tell the person "Yo, asshole - stop using my fucking shampoo or I'll kick your ugly ass" and get it over with. If they persist - well, the relationship was never meant to be there. But at least you opened your mouth and said something.

It'll feel good. I promise.

xo

Bitching.&.Whining?

People are so funny sometimes. The amount they complain about things is getting preposterous.
One example: Someone complaining about how they don't have something. Yet now that they have that something, they complain they don't have something else.

I don't think people will ever really be happy.
If they could only see each opportunity as a means to grow.

Needs. work.

I fed the anguish so beautifully
Dwelling within the infinite depths of pain
Deterring the light from ever reaching in
Only to have the decision be in vain.

You struck so violently with the force
Of you presence colliding with mine.
It was impossible to wrap my head around
What you dug down in & made me find.

You were so close, I breathed you in.
Feeling consumed by you being so near.
I felt my heart flutter and skip a beat
When you whispered quietly in my ear.

You didn't promise me the world, no.
Or a never ending peace within
You showed me the lit path through it all.
The simplicity to destroy the poisonous sin.

Am I "bat shit crazy"? I feel as if my mind is trying to play tricks on me lately.

I mean - I have progressed quite a ways over the past 4 months - but it still seems as if I lose that footing every now and again.

And I don't like how it makes me feel.

The swelling of my heart - the increasing beat, the shaking and the nausea. My anxiety is the worst thing to have to deal with aside from what my brain decides to make up, that actually gets me into those thoughts.

I wish I could be as simple as other people. But I'm only human. I am not perfect. Sometimes I can't help the way I think and as much as it probably hurts others to hear me say how they make me feel (which usually isn't what they meant to do at all, I just took it the complete opposite way..)

But I suppose that if they can't see past my imperfections and just accept it for what it is - they aren't really worth my time, right?

I can only hope that one day nothing will bother me. That I won't feel as if my world's been crushed by such a simple action (even though it really hasn't) and I wouldn't have to feel this emotion take control of me. Panic - upset. It's as if everything is colliding together and I can't gain control.

I haven't been feeling the greatest about myself or my appearance lately. Usually I have been okay with accepting that I am who I am.. but I can't shake the feeling that this just isn't enough. My acne is exploding on my face and neck. I don't feel like I'm progressing fast enough when it comes to getting into shape. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what I am right now.

At least I get a haircut on Saturday - so maybe that will help clean me up a little and give me a bit of a confidence boost. It seems I've been lacking in some of that lately.

It's hard to feel 100% about yourself all the time but I'm lucky to even hit 70 or 80% lately.

I see photos of who I was and what I looked like before and only wish I could go back to that. And I'm trying, I really am. It was easier before when I was ingesting bad things and starving myself. I only want to do it right this time - because I'm not that person anymore. The results definitely are not the same and that always gets under my skin. I know what potential I have and what I can look like but I'm far from it right now.

Self esteem has been the biggest struggle of my life thus far. And I have been through a lot. I love the person I am inside - but the outside isn't the same.

One step at a time.. one step..

Also, second day and second post in a row that I have been flagged & removed from CL for my roommate posting.

It is clear to me that I either don't want this bad enough to manifest it or I just wasn't meant to find a roommate "out there". It's got to be internally. OR I am supposed to just find a cheaper apartment for myself and fuck everyone else. Even though my own apartment would still be more expensive than I could be paying - but that's not the point.

Well, that seems to be all I have on my mind right now. Until next time.

Why does it feel as if I'm trapped in this continuous circle? I know the goals that I want to achieve but yet - everything keeps holding me back. I realize that I can create the future I want. But it's not easy when you're lacking in the money and opportunity to do things.

I need to find a roommate situation of some sort and soon. I would like to take my rent costs down by a fair amount but still have a place to call home.

I can't continue going on like this. I love the freedom that my own place gives me - and the help that my love gave me to get to this point but the cost involved is ludicrous. I accepted the rent terms with this apartment under the assumption that the cost was going to be split somehow. That didn't work out that way though and I seem to be paying for it.

How difficult can it be to be self sustaining ? Or find a roommate who wants the same common living space as me? Who is respectful, clean and nice - who holds some sort of interests that I do and who we can live side by side and co exist without much effort.

And then I get an email from Craigslist saying that my post was flagged for removal? I didn't put anything in my post that goes against their guidelines. Ridiculous.

It's as if I'm not supposed to find a roommate in those ways.

Which narrows it down to next to no options.

Fantastic.

I will have to come back to this post later - and the rest of the thoughts that were going to go with it..

As my brain feels as if it's derailed and I've lost the train of thought.

xo

Crash.Landing

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed by emotions that have no name? The emotions that crash around inside your head like a tsunami - allowing you to lose all control you thought you had? It's extremely hard for me to place the feelings that do that to me. There is absolutely no explanation as to why this happens. How there comes to be such an intense pressure build up behind my eyes that they begin to leak or I begin to shake - is beyond me. The negativity takes over and I struggle for control.

If one was to ask me why I feel that way, I couldn't tell them. It's something that I battle with constantly and know that I've been doing extremely well. When situations like this arise though, I feel as all progression has been wiped clean off the slate - like I have to start all over again. Once I have been able to calm down though, everything feels like it's back in the proper order.

I want to make these transitions much smoother and infrequent for myself and for everyone who has to deal with them. Just happens to be one of those things that I want to generate for myself. In these situations - I feel disconnected from myself and from others. Feeling as if I have no chance at gaining hold.

The feeling of disconnection from oneself is definitely an experience within itself. Though I wouldn't say it's something that I would enjoy happening on a regular basis. It teaches me things about myself, yes. But it's not enjoyable and I wish to rid myself of these situations.

I'm also hoping that with my new found depletion of nicotine and sugary foods - I'll be able to help control these things.

One step at a time - I am recognizing the root of issues within myself and making a step forward.

Happy.Hallmark.Love.Day

I love you so much Mr. S. H. Sitting on the couch/floor and playing each other the cheesiest love songs we can think of - has got to be the most happy V-Day I can remember. ♥